Negative thoughts about my father

I feel that I should have written about this when I was angry & negative, because it’s not very good to store all those thoughts & feelings, especially when it all seems to be exploding in my head.

Anyway, lately my father has been irritating me a lot. This seems to be something quite normal, but this is my partly why I wanted to blog, which is to remember how I felt when these kinda things happened, even if to others, it may seem unpleasant, spoilt, or unreasonable. Maybe that’s human nature. But anyway, another reason why I blog it is because these may be things that I would like to retort to my father, but I simply don’t dare for fear that he beats me up or that I may get kicked out of the house or disinherited (I cannot afford to lose all that money, though you may think this very money minded & cold hearted of me).

Most people say things that they don’t mean because of their emotions, & I may be one of them. But, I’d rather write down what I felt at that time, because it matters what someone’s opinion is when something happens to cause it. If you don’t understand what I’m trying to say, I don’t blame you because I feel really messed-up myself.

The point is, although I may really wanna say something like “I hate my father a lot”, but I try my best to refrain from it because it’s most probably not true, or rather, some people may call this a love-hate relationship, which is actually very dangerous.

So, instead of making general statements like that, I’m going to comment specifically on certain things that have made me angry. I also realized that most of the time when my father scolds me (he scolds a lot normally, but it gradually decreased over the years), I usually feel angry rather than sad. Maybe it’s because I feel it’s not justified, because he does seem to scold for no reason on a lot of occasions, but it may not be. I leave it to you to judge. Some people may probably be thinking I’m so ungrateful for not appreciating my parents and stuff, but since I didn’t say that at all, let’s juz say that I call this making myself feel better by saying as much bad things about him as possible and trying to point out all his faults because of what he did. Of course, the reason why I normally don’t write anything in the end is because he manages to show he’s sorry for how he behaved (although he never says sorry), and the anger somehow fades away, which also irritates me, and that’s why this post is not good. You have been warned, so if you’re not interested, you can stop reading here.

It’s like, I feel I can go on and on to release the steam, but my thoughts feel really disorganized because I just keep on writing and writing, and I don’t seem to run out on things to say.

But, anyway, let’s get back to the main point, which is what I want to say about him, or rather, what happened lately.

…

It may sound quite rude of me, but what happened was he scolded me for messing with my handphone at dinner time. Normally, I hardly use my handphone, especially when at meal time, but this time, I didn’t think he’d mind. But he did. And he started scolding severely about manners and stuff, & I dun wanna quote him, so all I can say is that he was rude as usual, since he’s so good at that.

Something else that keeps on happening lately is that when talking to him, normally about something to do with the computer or the internet, he’ll always say something like “You don’t know anything at all” or “That just shows how much you don’t know” or sth very similar in a certain superior tone of his which always pisses me off, but I dun retaliate. I couldn’t help thinking, what’s the point in saying sth like that? And, although I must admit that he is quite capable most of the time, he’s not God or a computer expert, but he thinks he knows so much. To shorten what I just said, he’s arrogant and egoistic.

And, it reminds me of sth he always wants to say in public about me. He always likes to say “You always believe your friends in everything you say, but if we (as in, family, parents) say it, you won’t believe us. If someone suggested and said sth is great, you’ll think it’s great too.” Of course, I’ll be more inclined to think it’s great. Someone who always says “you don’t know anything” and ends it that way without suggesting anything, who will believe him? It’s like, all he does is make cutting remarks, so what else can I do but to solve my problems or find out certain things elsewhere? Even if he does know the information or solution, he doesn’t tell me, so of course I’d rather believe my friends.

I’m not saying that friends above family and whatnot, it’s just that I feel that in certain aspects, friends are certainly better. It sounds kinda sad to say this, because I have been betrayed by friends a lot before, but in terms of comfort and support, I think friends are most of the time better. My father will lecture and scold and not support me at all, which is kinda sad, but he has his good ways (but I dun feel like mentioning them now).

Actually, to be honest, normally, after he scolds, things get awkward and stuff, but he expects it to be alright after scolding me. So, after many years, I finally learned to act like nothing at all after the scolding (since he expects me to be cheerful all the time, I have to act that way). But, I remember quite a few bad experiences of not managing to act it out, which I will refrain from going into details. The point is, the worst thing that could happen is that he will beat me, but now that I’m not so young anymore, he doesn’t do it anymore.

Which reminds me, last time when I was young, I used to ask my friends this question. You see, my parents are quite strict, but my mother was nicer about it (she’s like an angel to me ;-D) whereas my father was just very strict. I mean, I remember a lotta happy memories that seemed to happen where he’s put a lotta effort and time into spending time with us (me and my sis & bro) and entertaining us as kids, and basically playing with us. But, they all seem to be clouded by the memories of when my father wasn’t so nice to me (physically & verbally) because I didn’t manage to obey him (last time, I had this problem of taking too long to eat, so I’d get punished for that) or for no reason, especially when he was bad tempered. So, I’d ask my friends this: Would you prefer parents who’d be willing to give you anything (in terms of material, but of course as long as it’s still reasonable) but not giving you freedom (this is normally the case of going out with friends) or rather, having a lot of rules (not so lenient) and you may be scolded for no reason, compared to parents who’d be quite strict in terms of material (as in, they’re more unwilling to get anything for you because it’s not a special occasion or sth like that), but they’re more lenient, & when they scold, it’s more like nagging or lecturing a bit, and it’s hardly physical punishment?

Most people choose the latter, but I feel that that’s because their parents are like that anyway, and my close friends who’d compare me to them didn’t like what they heard about my father. But, anyway, that’s all in the past. I have pretty much gotten used to this life, and I feel more spoilt than ever. Cos I know how to disobey without being found out and so on, it’s pretty much become a habit in certain ways. Oh, and that’s partly why lying is a part of my life (but I shouldn’t say this, because ppl hate liars, & I may be turning people away by saying this).

Anyway, my father is quite childish, & similar to me, which may be why we do not get along well. Plus, there’s his blame personality. Normally, whatever’s to do with the TV or computer, he’d blame me. But, maybe because I’m always in his presence, he picks on me because I’m there. Maybe if it was my sis or my bro, he’d blame them, but I dun think so. Once he thinks that you’re most likely the culprit, he’ll always blame you after that (this case normally applies in terms of the person more related to the source of blame, especially in the past).

So, I’ve written a lot to remind me of what I thought of my father whenever I’m angry, but most of these thoughts seem to be from last time, which goes to show that a lot of my feelings haven’t changed, unless it may mean that I didn’t grow up. But, I do realize that parents normally have forgotten a lot of feelings of their childhood and so on, which is such a pity for them.

It’s like, I cling to these feelings because I dun wanna be entirely immune to my parents, but I feel like I’m already becoming immune to them. If they tried to teach me anything now, or advise me on impt matters, I doubt if I’ll be able to listen to them if I already made up my mind. But then again, that’s me, and I know that I have a lot of different and conflicting opinions and beliefs now which I know my parents will obviously disapprove, so why bother mentioning it to them? It will only create more trouble for me.

I think I’d better stop here, but if I were someone else, I definitely wouldn’t wanna read about a person complaining about their parents because it’s not nice, so I feel a bit bad if people were to read this. But then again, there may be some people who like reading this kinda stuff. I mean, I like reading romance most of the time, and I hate reading sad stuff or conflicts or sufferings, but a lot of people like it, or at least don’t mind it.

At least I wrote sth negative. I was starting to feel a bit weird, juz writing about meaningless stuff (to me, that is), when what I wanted to write when I started to blog was all these kinda stupid incidents and how I felt about it.

Hopefully, next time will be a better post. ^^;