Eye contact... & relationships?

I have always had an eye contact problem since young, but now it's not so bad, & I don't think so much about it so then I won't really be self-conscious about it... ^^;

My problem was I couldn't stand it if people stared at me, or looked at me too long... I'll feel weird & awkward, & I'll find it hard to look at that person. Actually, a person shouldn't look too long at you anyway, so now that I think about it, I don't think it was a problem last time & it is quite a normal feeling & reaction if someone is staring at you.

I mean, unless you were playing a game or a staring competition, you don't just stare at someone without saying anything. Eye contact when you're talking to someone is good & all, but it's weird to just stare like that. & it's not only that I feel awkward, I also seem to feel scared (when there's no reason to feel that), & so I turn away whenever I feel frightened... ;-(

thank God that's all over now... ;-) I mean, I dun have that fear anymore even if it happens... ;-D

Anyway, I have a few stories (my experiences) to do with eye contact:

Story number 1
This was when I was 13 years old. At that time, I already knew that I didn't like eye contact for too long, & I realised that other people didn't have a problem with it, so I decided that I'll try to improve myself. So, this incident was in the airport in a certain country (can't remember which one T_T;). We were putting our luggage through for it to be scanned, & there was like a security guard watching over the process. & we caught eye contact, & I immediately looked away (bad reaction, & bad habit), so it could've stopped juz like that...

The thing is, I felt bad for doing that, & it juz happen that I remembered that I shouldn't be avoiding eye contact, so I looked back at him, & we caught eye contact again, & I smiled. He smiled back at me too, & then he patted my head, & I felt happy. Then, it seemed that my father saw what happened, cos later on he asked me about it (I can't remember exactly, but it seemed like he wasn't happy about the incident & very suspicious, I dunno why), & I think I tried to explain what I was trying to do, but I could tell he was displeased. At that age, I realised that it had to do with something about growing up, & the fact that I'm not a child anymore (even though they still say that I am), because it's not like someone patting my head is a new thing, it happens when you're a child too, so at that time, I found it strange that my father didn't approve of what happened. To me, it wasn't a big deal.

Story number 2
This was juz recently (as in, this year). It was also not a big deal, but it seems that whenever I think about eye contact & how much have I changed, something happens. Most probably I'm thinking too much about things that people would dismiss easily, but I can't help it. & it's only some things that I think about too much, others I dismiss easily too, so I should write down what actually affected me, rite? ^_^;

Anyway, what happened was, that day, I had met some old ex-schoolmates, & what pissed me off was that we didn't acknowledge each other... but I guess I'm being unfair to the other person as well, bcos although I expect the other person to acknowledge me, I should be the one acknowledging the person also, shouldn't I? I realised that sometimes our culture is like that, although it depends on the person also. Everyone is so scared of losing like an idiot & losing face that they will ignore someone they recognise instead of trying to be friendly. But, I didn't really like the person anyway, so maybe it's better we didn't acknowledge each other... T_T;

So, on the same day, I was cheering myself up & when I was quite happy at one point, I met someone else. It wasn't like there was many ppl around, so what happened was, I passed by this person, & I nearly acknowledged the person (I dunno what I was inclined to do, bow my head a bit or sth), but I didn't. At that time, I was also smiling, so I wasn't sure whether I was smiling at that person too or not... but, that person also looked familiar to me, so I was wondering whether we met at all.

The strange thing that I felt about it was that we were walking past each other, & we were staring at each other for quite a while, not looking away (& not blinking either). & only when we passed each other, did we break eye contact (cos it couldn't be helped). I really felt like looking back, but I didn't. The amusing thing that I was thinking of was maybe we were both blur (I realised that I have this tendency to look straight ahead of me, or juz staring at something without even realising what I'm looking at). XP

Story number 3
This is the most recent that I can remember, & sadly, this is gonna show partly what kind of a person I am *embarrassed*. It was afternoon, like lunchtime, & I was outside at a restaurant (the kind that has buffet). When coming in the place, I noticed there weren't many people, & although I wasn't really paying attention, I did realise that there was a table that was occupied.

Anyway, after we sat down, the person I was with suggested we look at the buffet, so went to look at the buffet. This is the crucial part. You see, that table was occupied by a man (well, he doesn't look that young, at least more than 20 years old), & actually, to be honest, I didn't want to eat buffet, but I juz went along with it juz to walk past him T_T;

haha cos what happened was when walking to our table at 1st, I could feel him staring at me (call me perasan or whatever, but it's juz my feelings), so cos I was curious, I decided to walk past him again to see whether he'd look. & he did! XP

anyway, it's no big deal, I must've been really bored or sth, so I was juz amusing myself... & throughout the lunch, I was trying to sneak peeks at him without making it obvious (cos he looked not bad, so I was curious about him) & guess what happens? His wife & child comes lol ^^;

his wife is quite pretty, & the child is quite cute too... ^^ but I suddenly had this thought in my mind (it's just a thought, ok, it couldn't be helped)...

how do ppl have affairs anyway? I mean, it's in a way one of the taboo things, & yet, there are so many cases all around the world! another common story, although not so common, is a teacher-student relationship... to be honest, I've always liked that kinda relationship (although I know a lot who don't), but that's only if they're still within a tolerable age gap... cos most of the time ppl who don't like the idea of seeing a teacher-student relationship is because of the age difference, & therefore it feels wrong... so it's obvious that they don't have to be a teacher or student, it could juz be the age gap problem...

but I think I like taboo relationships ^^; haha depends on how taboo it is, of course, I can't stand some stories that are really sick cos they seem to go beyond human morals T_T; but yeah, whether real life or story, it feels that the relationship between two ppl is so much stronger when they go through hardship together... but then again, I love happy stories with as little hardship as possible, so of course, the latter is better any time~ <3

but the reason why I was having that stupid thought about affairs (which I hardly think about, least of all when saying a married man) is because of the stupid show I saw the night before that... there was one part where the daughter was having an affair with a married man, & she got pregnant, & she wanted to abort the baby (I think in the end she didn't)... but I felt so irritated with her! why have a relationship, let alone sex, with someone who's already married, & is not interested in anything other than sex with you? so, I thought she was stupid, but ppl can be stupid sometimes (it's their nature) so it can't be helped... I mean, it's that feeling where you know it's wrong, but you still do it... so, I juz pity her, since she got involved in that...


also, it sounds strange to say this, but when you're looking at someone face-to-face, where exactly do you look? generally at their face, rite? at least, I think that should be the case...

the thing is, although I do that, sometimes, I try to look at a person properly (when I think of trying to have eye contact, that is), & when I do, I start having problems. As in, I wonder whether I'm really looking at the person or not, which shows that I shouldn't have thought about it, cos it makes me feel self-conscious.

you see, when I try to look at a person properly, I'll be thinking, "I should look at the eyes". But then, when I look at the eyes, I find it hard to look at both eyes at the same time. It's not easy trying to look with both of your eyes at both of the person's eyes, usually you tend to focus on one thing only.

haha I still find it funny realising this about myself though lol XP

PS: I still have exams next week, & I'm blogging!!! but then again, there are other classmates of mine who are still blogging, but well, I may not be as good as them ^^;