Lasting friends

I was thinking about this lately, because I've met some new people online. Those usually don't last lol not that I really mind, but I sometimes wonder at those who make lasting friendship with people whom they have never met, & probably will never meet. Rather than wonder, I suppose I envied that, but there's no point in envying, but I suppose I was always a bit of a dog in the manger ^^;

it's also that although I didn't think I had low self-esteem, but I suppose I did, & it hasn't completely gone away, because I sometimes wonder, why are people still with me? I'm so boring, & I'm not very nice blah blah blah... that kind of thought just happened to pop in my head recently, although I know I probably thought about this a lot more in school.

that thought caused me to adopt a sort of submissive agreeing attitude with strangers. Sometimes I still fall into this habit subconsciously. But is it so wrong to want to make sure that I'm liked? Although that's not really a guarantee that I'll be liked, but I just didn't want to be like my old self last time - a bit like a tyrant lol; demanding, selfish, self-centred, inflexible, cruel (maybe not that cruel). it's not like I've changed that much, but if anything, I think I suppressed some of the negative aspects.

usually, when I meet people online, we're chatting about something in particular. so naturally, when that topic has been exhausted, we stop chatting because we run out of topics. then we go on with our usual life.

this is a weird post, because it's still self-centred, & I'm still thinking about myself, but maybe this applies to other people also. or maybe not. I was thinking about what I did, because for some reason it's as though I was scared that I'll be hated or that I wouldn't be liked anymore. now it makes me think that I sound like I'm seriously in love with the person or something =_= but actually this applies to me in general, I'm sure there're people who feel this way too

thank goodness I don't feel that way around my family, cos they're stuck with me for LIFE ;-P but then that's what my parents complain about, that I act nice with other people & I'm grumpy with them. Sounds like they too want me to be fake and insincere & put up a front T_T but I know (at least, I think) that they don't mean it (either way, I think I'm not bothered to be fake at home as well ^^;)

I'm not saying that I'm fake with everybody else! o_O wth am I saying lol maybe I was a little fake at times, but it was just a subconscious thing, honest ;-)

now that I remembered, or realised, that my friends won't suddenly stop liking me or hanging out with me or hate me because of anything I may so or do, I feel much more relaxed, & I think I can say things more honestly now ;-D

but actually, even today, I kinda did it again ^^; oh well, some things are hard to change. actually, I think I do it with my family too, but much less. It depends on whether the other party gets easily irritated or angry or annoyed, I think. if not, then it's probably me getting annoyed at you ;-P crap, now I'm feeling guilty again

oh well, hooray for lasting friends! ;-) I have... at least 5 very good friends (I think), not counting one good friend online (my friend of the future? or was it past lol). actually it's hard to say because even if I think I have a good friend, if they don't think the same way, then I think it's not counted, you know? ^^;

それじゃ,　また　ね～ ;-)

translated: something like, "well, until next time~" ;-P

PS: if you use google translate, it's even worse than my translation hahahaha @_@