Love (the soulmate kind)

I've finished my exams (again), so I'm gonna blog as much as I like XD well, more like, as long as I like muahahahaha so be prepared for long-windedness! ;-D

This has been a topic that I've been debating on & off about whether to blog about or not, because I've actually been avoiding this topic, even though I love it so much, & people who know me would know that I can't help talking about it.

Cos let's face it, love is very necessary in this world. Just not the soulmate kind. Well, it's sorta necessary & yet isn't, cos there're people who don't find their soulmates (it's sad), but it's not so bad if you think about it since we were born alone in this world, & we'll die alone anyway (this is where religion comes in, which I would NEVER blog about, just thought I'd let you know that).

Well, maybe rather than love, I like talking about relationships, socialising, that kinda thing XD which is stupid, cos I suck at socialising (seriously, I'm actually rather shy T__T), & I haven't been in those kinda relationships before (don't ask me why >__>).

The funny thing is, I know that last time (like before 16 years old), I've always felt that there was something wrong with me, & I loved the idea of a soulmate too much to even be able to find someone in that way (if you understand what I mean).

As in, I wanted a boyfriend (probably like any other stupid teenage girl) but thank goodness I've grown up now, & it's like the stained glass that I've been viewing through has cracked, so now I'm seeing everything in a different light (well, not everything, I'm just trying to emphasise a point lol).

& it's partly thanks to someone that I've realised that I was in love with the idea of a soulmate, not that I loved anyone that way, & now I'm pretty happy being by myself (until the right one comes along, of course).

So yeah, I'm spilling my guts out just in case there are others like me who've felt the same way. Realise it please!!! ;-P then you wouldn't get into relationships that you would regret. Actually, I know quite a number who have regretted ;-( So I'm not just talking crap, I'm talking about real life people here, & it's advice well worth following ;-)

Anyway, when I said that I like talking about relationships & all that, it's more like I like talking about issues in a relationship, which before this, I've been applying in very general ways. Because most topics apply to general relationships & not pertaining to only those kinds, but in truth, I was thinking about the soulmate kind first, then comparing with any normal relationship (friends, family, that's basically it hahaha).

& although I said that I'll blog about it, because I haven't even talked about anything yet (that's called long-winded lol or also beating around the bush? but I don't consider it to be beating around the bush because I'm not purposely avoiding it, just giving a looonng introduction about it ;-P), so I'm just gonna talk about one aspect of the issues. It is common, applicable & (to me) interesting (actually, I may or may not talk about it, cos if it can be applied to general relationships, then I don't need to purposely blog it in this post, I can make a separate post pertaining to that issue only, & compare the differences when applied to the separate kinds of relationships).

So, what is love? A very hard question, but I like to think of love as a commitment, but it's obviously much more than that. As in, after that when you differentiate the different kinds of love, I find it very strange that love isn't all the same thing. Actually it is, but you can only have one soulmate love, that kinda thing. So it's different to me all the same. & I used to ask my mum countless times (it was hard to not ask), about what's the difference between soulmate love & other love, & it's so hard for me to understand where you draw the line (in the end, I never got a proper answer anyway. & she did say something, but I forgot, so, too bad).

Most people (including me) would prioritise on the attraction part 1st. Which I think is kinda obvious, cos even though I asked my mum that question, I kinda differentiated the soulmate love from the rest that way. That does seem to be the only thing that's different, since you have s** (why do I feel it's vulgar when I say it?!? lol jk, actually it's also cos I think I'll get spam if I put that word there T__T). Unfortunately, people shouldn't adopt this view unless you hardly feel attracted to anyone. Because that's how a lotta people make the wrong decision & assume a soulmate for themselves (or maybe they're just seeking gratituitous pleasure).

Basically, what I knew since young was that the soulmate kind was the kind you'd want to spend the rest of your life with. Sounds kinda heavy? Well, not to me, because I feel that I could tolerate living with someone else. It's just like having a roommate, but I guess it's not exactly the ideal thing people normally think of, whereas I feel quite content about it. Depends on how horrible your roommate is lol

Actually, after writing all that crap, I forgot to emphasise on what soulmate really is. Most people are on the impression that you'd know them when you see them kinda thing (like love at first sight). Sorry, but I don't believe in that. & even if you would sort of know, it's not such a strong feeling like that. More like, when you meet someone, you may feel a "kinship" with them. So it's kinda the same thing.

Anyway, I'm kinda tired, so I'll stop here lol to be more accurate, I've lost the flow cos I got distracted by other stuff (we all know how easy that could be). & yes, I'm sure there're people who disagree with me here & there, or even the whole thing, but that's normal. I didn't say it was an absolute fact or anything. All just my opinion. XD

A driving perspective

I only just realised lately how my way of thinking has changed now that I'm driving.

Supposedly people who drive know when it will be a traffic jam, at which areas & so on. I only know that if I go back later than 5, I'll definitely be slower going back compared to going home earlier. So I try to go back earlier, but sometimes classes prevent me from doing so.

I couldn't help wondering why I didn't notice anything when it was jam when I wasn't driving last time? Obviously it must be because I'm not driving, & it feels so much different driving in a jam compared to sitting in the car in a jam. Both I don't particularly mind, the only difference is that driving is not as relaxing as sitting in the car as a passenger. & my leg sometimes aches (even though my car is not manual)

Also, now that I drive, I start having urges to bang cars & people just because they annoy me. & I'm refraining from saying more because this probably portrays me in a more bad light already. Not that I care. I'm very unfeeling in this kind of circumstances. Especially when seeing some really horrible drivers on the road. Sadly, sometimes I'm a terrible driver too (occasionally!), so I'd understand if someone couldn't stand it & crashed my car or something.

Anyway, I was just kidding about what I said (refer previous paragraph). I'm a nice person (I think?), so I didn't really mean what I said. But it'd be better if we didn't meet on the road cos I WILL PROBABLY KILL YOU. Just kidding haha. Again. Unless you deserve it, then I'd see whether there was a way you'd be punished for whatever you did on the road. You can run but you can't hide. Except if you're the police. Then you're lucky (& I hate you).

Speaking of police, a police car cut into the line at a traffic light today, can you believe that? I don't see why you can't, but it's better not to speak badly about certain people (except in private & in my head, I'm definitely cursing you). And the police car wasn't using the siren or anything, so it should be considered just a normal car. But such is life. C'est la vie (does that make sense? I think I shall be using that phrase more now. It seems to be what I've been saying these days. Better than "never mind", I suppose).

I guess it's kinda funny how someone's perspective would differ depending on whether they're the driver or not. But of course, it'd be better if your perspective didn't change, although it's good to know different perceptions.

I wonder why I always end in this kinda way. But it's hard for me to end another way, so I guess this'll have to do. Maybe it's also cos I don't want to end my posts or something. These days I'm finding it harder to write though. Hopefully I won't get writer's block yet cos I still feel that I have hardly blogged.

Oh ya, public holiday this weekend ^__^ well, only on saturday, but still XD

Vertically Challenged

For those of you who don't know, I'm quite short. I'm just a bit above 5 feet (152 cm). Actually, I'm sure I'm not as short as many other people cos I seem to be a bit below average for an Asian girl at this age (average for me is supposedly around 5 feet 3 inches or 157cm).

But I was remembering how I wanted to grow taller when I was a child (every child seems to want that though lol). & I remember how many times I cried because I wasn't tall enough (it sounds stupid when I say it somehow).

If you're wondering why I cried, it's actually because I didn't grow up fast enough, & at the age when kids wanted to play this, & ride that, I was unable to because I didn't meet the bloody height requirement. & I remember looking up at the stupid requirement & think "I must definitely be that tall". Which happened to be 5 feet, so that's what I aimed for, & got lol

I think probably after that was when this height issue ceased to be so important, & I hardly think about it anymore now. What I'm occupied with (which most women would be occupied with) is my weight & fat, & I wish that one day I wouldn't have to bother with all these things, but I'm not sure whether that day would ever come.

Actually I wanted to write about all the times I sort of suffered (if you could it that) for being short. So that other people would know how short people feel like. But I can't really think of anything to say, except that I did get teased quite a lot for being short. & you can't stop people from being teased, it'll happen all the time. So that's too bad.

But if someone could see from a short person's point of view, that'd be great. But I doubt anyone could see anything from my post ^^;

Studies

I have a few not-so-random thoughts, as in, there're certain thoughts I have, which I have thought of since I was a child, & I can't help thinking about it occasionally, probably because these thoughts are related to life.

& because I just had an exam, I couldn't help thinking about it. I was grumbling, whining & complaining (in my mind & out loud) about exams as usual, & for the 10638th time I was thinking that I hate exams, & why can't there be such a thing as no exams in the world (such were my thoughts as a kid, I wished a lot of things didn't exist. Another thing I wish didn't exist was Monday lol).

Well, I knew why there was the existence of exams in this world since young. Do you? It's pretty simple (especially if you have enough time to think about it rather than study for the exam). But this is just assuming majority people are like me, even though I know that it may not be true.

If exams didn't exist, would you bother to study? I wouldn't, that's how lazy I am. Ok, maybe when I just started school, I didn't think about such things. I loved to learn new things, & I didn't think of exams as exams because I was very blur at the time, & I just answered questions to the best of my ability.

But when I started thinking more, about life & everything else, I couldn't help wondering, what was the point of all this? & it started getting all meaningless, & entertainment & games seemed more interesting.

Still, I'd defend myself by saying that I'd study hard even if there weren't such a thing as exams (an outright lie). But I did try last time, & even now I still believe (occasionally) that it is possible to excel in what you do even without having to go through exams. & yes, I know that exams are to test how good you are in something, & there shouldn't be a problem if you are good in it anyway. My dad says he loves exams *rolls eyes* & he said the reason why, but I'm not sure whether I should expose it lol

Anyway, wouldn't it be really nice if everyone were so good (morally & ethically) that they'd all study & work as hard as possible, so much that the need for exams will be extinguished one day? That'd be in my utopia one day ;-D

Selfish or Unselfish

Unselfishness was one of the first few things I remembered learning. Actually, it was also one of the hardest things for me to apply, because I used to be very selfish & self-centred. Which is why I was called "spoilt brat" a lot.

The funny thing is that now I'm less selfish, but my own family wouldn't even realise that (specifically one person), because they'd think that I never change bla bla bla & then they complain about me being nicer to my friends than family (which they've been saying since I was young anyway, & lots of other people feel say that too). But it's a bit harder to be nicer to my family when they seem to expect the worst from me sometimes.

Anyway, in one of my attempts to be a better person & be more unselfish (if I was ever unselfish last time), I couldn't help thinking, if I'm unselfish, & usually being unselfish implies some sort of sacrifice on your own part for someone else, then isn't the other person being selfish? A common example would be in a game of baseball/basketball/football/badminton (doubles)/tennis (doubles) & most other ball games (but not for table tennis doubles because you take turns to hit the ball anyway lol), the 1st person will say "You take it (supposedly being unselfish, but that person could be avoiding something possibly tedious or inconvenient)," & the other person would say "Oh no, YOU take it" & the ball will end up in the middle, something like that (it's shown in quite a number of movies too).

To me, unselfishness could be in the form of sacrificing something tangible or intangible. For me, it started with food. It was hard for me to give something I liked to eat to someone else, cos at that time I hardly ate much. Unfortunately, probably the reason why I don't mind doing so anymore is because I eat so much now T_T but ignore that lol which is why it applies to games also, because it is not easy for anyone to have a chance to play, especially when so many people wanna play.

Unselfishness is also linked with consideration for other people, but then again, I think all these values should link to one another in some way or other. & technically, I guess you could say that the other person (if it was direct & not indirect) couldn't be called selfish either, because it's only right that they should accept the 1st person's unselfishness gracefully & thank the person for it.

I hope I made sense, but if not, never mind. I usually wouldn't like to talk about this kinda topic (as in, values & all, since I hate moral lessons, but that was for a different reason lol) but it was just something that I thought about since young, & I'd tell my mum about it (I think I was trying to defend my selfishness lol), so I wonder whether anyone ever thought it from that perspective. Maybe it depends whether you were a selfish person more or unselfish person more. ;-P

Things in common

You know, it's kinda funny, but I sorta remembered one of the things I wanted to blog about this morning. Or maybe it was just a dream, & not really something that I wanted to blog about (cos I was still half-asleep at that time), but I figured that it's ok to write something like this anyway. I'll try to keep it short lol.

One of the things that have always intrigued me in life is how some people are able to get along so well even though they have nothing in common.

That's what I wanted to talk about today.

A good example is my parents lol My dad is a doctor, my mum is a lawyer. One is doing science, the other arts. My mum would always say that she never understood science. My dad is (basically) good at everything, so I'm not gonna mention anymore about that. The bad thing about being good at everything is that you tend to get impatient easily, & have less sympathy for the slower & (no offense) stupider people around. Not that my mum is stupid or slow, but my point is, they really do feel like polar opposites. But as they say, opposites attract. & they do have things in common, but to me, it can be counted by hand.

Actually, rather than talking about couples with nothing in common, I wanted to talk about friends with nothing in common, cos that's actually quite common too haha. Hmm more like whether friends or lovers, as long as their personalities don't really clash, then it's fine even if they have nothing in common. But for lovers it's always harder, esp when you get married & live with them for the rest of your life, 24/7. But that just makes me think of family. & you're born in a family. You don't choose your family, unlike a spouse. So it's not uncommon to have clashing personalities or nothing in common between your family members. But we still live together (most of us, there are some who can't stand it & get out of the house asap tho). & even though I fight with my family members, I'm used to them, & obviously I love them, so why can't I love other people even though we're not family? Am I making sense here lol I got sidetracked again ^^;

Ok, so friends with nothing in common. I don't have many friends (sad rite), but my few friends are close friends, & I'm quite content with that, since I'm not particularly interested in what my friends call the "hi-bye" friends. So since I was young, most of my friends didn't have much in common with me, except for those kinda things like school & class, which is why we were able to spend that time together to get to know each other & develop our friendship. But once we changed class, school, that friendship sorta got distant. Which is normal, even if it's a bit sad. & it doesn't mean that we would've maintained our relationship even if we had lots in common because it'd be hard to keep in touch.

I guess I juz wanted people to think about this, although if you'd rather not, then don't, I can already imagine my father saying something like, "Why are you thinking about these kinda things? Nothing else better to do?" lol it really does seem like that, but of course I've got better things to do, this is juz another "food for thought" kinda topic, to me. And actually, what I REALLY wanted to say is, I never expected anyone to have much in common with me. But when you really meet someone who has a lot in common with you, it's a very wonderful feeling.

Which is why it seems easier to make friends online. & I do have a few friends online (very few), & obviously it's because of something we have in common. Mainly our interests XD So that's another nice feeling too, looking for someone who shares the same interests. But I don't do that anymore, cos I got tired of trying to make friends just for that purpose. But of course, I don't turn anyone away, I juz don't make the effort for the first move.

Anyway, that's about it. If not, I'd go on & on & on. & I still didn't really say what I wanted (I did, but was that really what I wanted to say? ^^;) As in, I really do feel happy with my close friend, but before that, I was happy too, even if my friend didn't share anything in common with me. I guess it's the feeling of company that I love, which most people love. Love XD <3 alright, I think I may be sounding a bit loony, so I'll go now ;-)

Writing

Nowadays, with the technology of computers all over, there has been less need to write. Nevertheless, it is still an essential skill in life.

….

& you have just seen an intro paragraph of what I would’ve written for an essay on “Writing” lol ;-P of course, it would be much longer, but I felt that I was wasting my time, so I stopped.

Of course, since I’m still in college, I still have a fair bit of writing to do, & all my exams are paper-based, not computer-based. But I think (or hope) that working life will be different *__* not that I mind writing, I don’t mind it at all, just that I’d think it’d be perfectly natural to live & work in a computer environment XD

There was something I used to do in primary & secondary, which I couldn’t help doing today. You see, the lecture I was going through today consisted of a lot of dictation, so I’d be either trying to follow her words & understanding it at the same time as writing it, or I’d be daydreaming. So, I couldn’t help feeling a bit bored today, because I felt bad for daydreaming, so I kinda went back to my old habit, which was what I did last time while writing instead of learning what I’m writing.

I’d compare my speed of writing to other people’s. ^_^

It’s not a big deal, actually, but I can’t help wondering how many ppl actually do that. It’s been such a long time since I last did it, so I forgot all about it. I think it also motivated me to write faster hahaha. But like today, when I looked around at other ppl while writing, most ppl were either engrossed, tired out, or bored to death too.

Anyway, I feel quite happy & proud to say this, but maybe it’s just that everyone was tired out at that time, but when I looked around at other people, I was faster than them MUAHAHAHAHA XP cos I’m normally slow, so it’s rare that I’m faster than other ppl ^^

But actually, I was faster generally, but I realised last time & now, that whenever the dictation is longer, I end up being slower (or they end up being faster). So, the conclusion is, the longer of dictation in words (for eg. reading out “long-term investment is better” rather than “is better”), the slower I’ll write compared to other people.

Another thing I realised was that every time (seriously, every time) the words are shorter, like “many reasons”, I’d definitely be faster! & I couldn’t help wondering, “Why?” But I figured out the reason last time already. It was because other people were slow to responding LOL

I hope no one is being offended by this, especially if we have sat together before, but it’s true hehe XP

To make it sound better, it’s not that other people are slow, no, it’s just that I’m faster in responding ;-P cos I realised that when the dictator says the 1^st word, I’d start writing already, but most people usually write after the 2^nd word, or even after more than the 2^nd word.

But I shouldn’t be competitive even in writing, since I’m not really competitive in anything at all (I don’t remember the last thing I felt competitive about). Although in school, I was much more competitive, including writing, I suppose it’s because kids had a lot of free time.

And that’s all I wanted to say. ;-)

I thought I would be writing very little, but I guess not lol ^^;

Anyway, I juz wanted to talk a bit about myself, even though I know there’s no point in doing this. ;-(

I’ve been really tired lately, I had classes lasting the whole day the whole of last week & I have the rest of this week to go T_T

Also, my exams are in the beginning of dec, & I HARDLY STUDIED!!!! @_@;;; argh, I’m gonna die~~ (actually, I wish I could die) >_>;;; I know there are people who say that, but there 2 big differences, one is the people who succeed in the end, & the other is people who FAIL. T_T so, I know some people may say, “aiyah, u sure pass ar.” DON’T SAY THAT. Bcos if you say that, when I fail, I will blame u for it. >_> I’ve failed before, why can’t I fail again?!? & lots of people were surprised & shocked that I failed, & I know I have only myself to blame, so yes, I’ll just go and bang my head on the wall now, I’m sure that’s better than what I’m doing now T_T

& sorry to end on this bad mood, but actually I’m fine, just depressed at lots of times before exam, & wondering whether I am able to study in this next few weeks, cos I feel like I’ve forgotten how to study hard (which wouldn’t be very far from the truth).

I hope to blog again after my exam, it’s not good to blog before exams, I feel like I’m cursing myself ^^; but I did want to blog a bit, so I’m glad I finally blogged, just that the last part was unnecessary…. Oh well…

Hi, let's shake hands!

The reason why I’ve been finding it hard to blog lately is because I feel that my topics aren’t happy topics, so I was reluctant to write. But I wanted to write about this for a while anyway, just that I forgot about it, so I hope it doesn’t become a not happy topic.

I’ve been wondering, is it culture, or age, or just human nature? Let me tell you what happened to me (at least 2 months ago), & see whether it happened to you or not, because this is something common for me, so it’s not like it didn’t happen before.

You know, when you meet new ppl? There’s 2 differences; one is when everyone is new, & doesn’t know each other at all, so you’ve to go around making new friends. Another one is when you’re introduced to new ppl by someone, or you meet new ppl who’re friends of your friends.

This probably applies both ways, but the most recent for me was the latter. So, I was being introduced to 4 or 5 friends of a friend, & although I say introduced, actually I wasn’t really. All that happened was that I joined my friend, said hi to his friends, & they said hi back, & that’s it. It wouldn’t even be really called a hi, more like an awkward nod of the head & an awkward smile to show that “yes, I know you’re there” but I’ve been ignored before too anyway. There were also some cases where we’d shake hands, & that feels awkward too, but not so bad, because at least both parties are trying to be nice & friendly, so we can’t help thinking of shaking hands (unless it’s because we’ve been brought up that way, & not everyone was brought up to shake hands when meeting new ppl).

There are 2 issues in this. One is that most of the time, when I meet new ppl, I don’t know their names. If we talk, it’d be talking, but no one mentions their name or asks the other. Of course, there are ppl who still start off by saying “hi, I’m XXX. What’s yours?” but that only happened with a few ppl in college last year when everyone was still new.

That was also a funny memory, because everyone is so awkward. When I came into the class on the 1^st day, the class reminded me of a tomb, as though someone died in there (which reminded me of one of my classes in school last time which was most of the time like that ^^;). Probably at break or after the 1^st day, ppl started making friends, but there were a few groups of friends already on the 1^st day because they’re from the same school or they’ve known each other before.

Unfortunately for me, I always seem to be on a path separate from my friends, but the good thing is that I make friends with new ppl, which I wouldn’t be able to if I chose the path that most of my friends went. But that’s just my personality, it’s hard for me to make friends with new ppl when I have existing friends by my side ^^;

& it’s funny, not knowing ppl’s names, because later on, when ppl start knowing each other’s names, you’ve to go & find out discreetly what their names are, & they find out about your names discreetly too, because all of a sudden, they’re suddenly calling you by name when previously they weren’t. I’m not sure how I managed this far, but I feel like a spy sometimes lol ;-P I know that some of my friends would ask me what their names are, but sometimes I wouldn’t know also, so I guess probably everyone goes asking around what a particular person’s name is from everyone but that person XP

The 2^nd issue is that not only do we not know each other’s names, but we can’t even say hi to each other when we meet! Probably other ppl may feel like me, which is why nothing happens, but I’d look at the person to see whether the person says hi first. But that person would look the other way (maybe not purposely then), so I’d look another way too ^^;

As in, this happens also when I’m with a group of ppl, & they don’t bother to say hi although I was going to, when I joined them. So I only talk occasionally when I feel like saying something, but otherwise I’ll keep quiet. Obviously, I won’t even call those ppl friends, but even ppl who aren’t that close wouldn’t do that, I feel, it depends on the person who does it.

But so far, when I think back, most of the time these occasions were with guys, not girls. So I thought maybe it’s a gender thing, you know, some guys are super shy, stuff like that. But there are some bitches too, or else normally I get along well enough with girls. So I wonder whether those guys are really shy, or whether they’re just rude, or is it a culture thing, unless everyone in other countries do that too, which I think would be normal. So then it’d be considered human nature to do something like that.

Which is why I normally end up liking guys who’re friendly & nice because then nobody would be ignored or missed out by those guys, but those guys have their faults too ^^; well, everyone has faults, so it’s just which faults you mind & which you don’t mind ;-)

& I’ll end it like this. I think this kind of topics are food for thought, but that’s because I like to think about ppl in general, with reference to examples, & human nature. ;-D